The World’s Biggest Garbage Dump & The BDA
By Jeffrey | May 23, 2007
…exists completely on the computer you’re reading this on. It’s also known as the Internet.
Other aliases include: World Wide Web, the Information Superhighway, and, more recently, the “tubes”.
It operates completely under the assumption that it holds the keys to vast arrays of information and knowledge, but in reality is the biggest known polluter on the planet.
It’s not destroying the ozone layer or even causing millions of species to go extinct. However, its contribution of billions of virtual ads and blogspam is contributing greatly to its own unsustainable girth.
At this rate, it is almost assuring its own destruction by its own hand.
However, it is actually responsible for the creation of one new specie: the basement-dwelling albino, or BDA, seen here in this rare photo of it in its natural habitat:
Known for being a creature that shuns the light and anything related to the outdoors, the BDA is a recluse who prefers to spend its days and nights Digg-ing and Google-ing for sources of mental nourishment.
This unhealthy diet has resulted in the slow decay of the BDA’s mind to the point where it now it has become a political pundit, social commentator, and elitist uber1337 nerd.
It’s physical being subsists entirely on day-old bags of Cheetos and half finished cans of Red Bull.
As for its origin, scientists’ closest guess is that it comes from either of the geographic regions MySpace or Facebook, depending on how elite it has become.
While some BDAs covertly associate with variants on both sides of the divide, most are keen to stay exclusively in their MySpace or Facebook home, and interconnectivity is strongly discouraged within the tribe.
Most of the tribe instruction is done through group-think as the typical BDA has never actually met another of his kind.
Due to this, scientists are unsure of how the creature reproduces. It is accepted that while the BDA enjoys the viewing of its own kinds in the act of reproducing, it is unlikely to ever participate in the activity itself.
Travel through sunlight is extremely dangerous for the creature and, since sleep patterns are non-structured, the BDA is prone to never be sure what time it actually is, and is wary of venturing out to check.
The main predator of the BDA is the ever-present Mother, who constantly attempts to penetrate the lair of the BDA and drag its resisting form into the light.
Because of this open reluctance, scientists who have studied the creature are unsure of its exact appearance, but most agree that it has some form of typing apparatus bonded to its forearms with a click device emanating from its shoulder.
In recent studies it has become apparent that in-fighting is beginning to appear within the tribes as BDAs are beginning to form religions around their two gods: APPLE and PC.
In general, it has been established that the APPLE zealots “have more fun” and “are more creative”, while the PC religion “gets things done” and “accomplishes tasks”.
For now the, the fanatical PCs, who are greater in number, are winning the battle. It seems that their prayer-like system, known as Windows, enables greater productivity for them, but also has resulted in many tribe casualties due to little-understood “fatal errors” and “blue screens of death”.
The APPLEs are held at the disadvantage by their capability of only fighting with one hand, while the PCs can attack with two. The APPLEs believe that this weakness is actually an advantage for them, however, and they are reluctant to give it up.
They do hold many strengths over their opponents, though. They seem to be able to travel at great speeds without crashing, and are capable of converting many of their PC opponents over to their side by their ability to “have more fun”, and due to their reputation as being “prettier and more attractive” than their counterparts.
Signs show that this war is not likely to be won by either side any time soon.
Research is still ongoing in the study of this creature, but is persistently difficult due to its reclusive nature. As studies come out, though, one thing is certain: the basement-dwelling albino’s existence is continuing to rapidly increase.
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